Once Upon A Time...

As a child everyone had very high expectaions of me.  I was always very intelligent and I really haven't met anyone that can learn faster than me.  And yeah I'm cocky for saying that about myself but this is about what I really think.  I have always wanted to be very successful and rich and have fucked up a lot of relationships and kicked myself in the ass because of the way I think.  Here is how it unfolds...

As a teen I was a little shy around women and all that has changed.  I mention women again in this blog because I have used a lot of them and basically made them my scapegoats.  Am I a coward, an asshole, and should I probably be ashamed of myself for some of the things I have done?!  Hell yeah, I am all of the above but I am not ashamed.  I have molded myself into this and now I'm sharing it.  How does money and being rich relate?  This is how:

My dreams haven't been fulfilled and I felt like a relationship or even a girlfriend would slow me down.  I dated a girl in college and she called me one night and told me how much of an asshole I am and that I only cared about money.  I laughed and told her I hope she feels better about herself.  I'm not bragging I am a prick for doing that and thankfully she is still my friend. 

I once kicked one of best friends out of my house while she was balling her eyes out because we were arguing.  I'm not completely at fault but I took the shit too far as always.

I didn't see my mother in the hospital because I was too busy working and thinking that I had to make money.  I didn't flinch at her funeral and very few people have ever seen me emotional.  But what if I were to walk into my boss and my mentors office a few months later crying like a damn kid because I felt guilty and at that point didn't give a fuck about money.  What if my dreams about money sometimes change and I dream about her saying my name.

What if I once slapped a girl at a party because she slapped me at my apartment?!  What kind of fucking prick does that?!

What if I have cussed many women out in bars?  What if after one of those occasions when I sobered up and found that she was upset that I had to pull over because I had tears in my eyes?

What if I have prided myself on not apologizing to women (a couple exceptions)?!

I still have the dreams I had as a kid but now I have nightmares about some of my actions...hardest shit I have ever wrote.

So hear is my apology...

Sorry